Sunday, February 03, 2008

Tell me

How you would feel?

I have a friend who has a child.
This child will be turning one in the month of Feb.

This friend is someone who I have known for a long time. We are in the same group of friends & socialize often. We belong to dinner club, we have gone to many parties.

She threw me a wedding shower.
I went to her wedding shower....9 days after my exhusband left me.
I attended her wedding, she attended mine.
I went to her baby shower, she was out of town but sent gifts with our friends to mine.
She visited me in the hospital when Cheekers was born, I visited her when her child was born.
She was invited and came to my son's 1st birthday party, even brought dip!
We exchange Christmas presents among the children.
We are friends.

So needless to say, I assumed I would be invited to her child's first b-day.
Just the other day I thought to myself, I wonder when it will be, as I had gotten an invitation to another's friend's child's party, who is a week younger than said friend.

Anyway, while at a playdate yesterday, this subject came up.
Come to find out, this person is only inviting a few choice friends to a small get together at her home for her child's party.
Now, there are 6/7 of us that are friends. 2 got invited. Three of us did not.
Guess which category I fall into?
Not invited.

I am slightly offended and a bit hurt.
Our children are extremely close in age...I think 7 mos apart.
When my son sees her child, he gives the child love...which in Cheeks world means he goes cheek to cheek with the other baby & smiles. I think it's cute and I hoped that all of our children would grow up together.
There are 4 of us, who have small children. The other friend's children are about 9ish & 6, so they are a bit older.
Out of the small children, Cheeks falls second oldest. Her child is third oldest.

Anyway, I am a bit hurt that we (my son, my friends) have not been included.
Her home is big enough to accomodate all of us.
I'm not sure why she would feel the need to not include the 3 of us & our children but it feels like a slap.
It feels as if I am good enough to bring shower gifts, welcome baby gifts, happy wedding gifts, xmas gifts but when the birthday rolls around, its time to select who is good enough to come.

It's sad really.
None of our children are holy terrors who would make a scene and I would remove my son if he did (just ask the chic at Kiddie Kandids who was in awe when I said we were done after like two pics b/c my kid was crying).

So that's my post.
My feelings are hurt & I feel as if my tiny family isn't good enough to attend a celebration. I do realize it's her perogative to invite who she wants but it doesn't change the fact that there are hurt feelings.

How would you feel?

**Edited to add:
There is no problem between the two of us.
I saw this person about 2 weeks ago & everything was fine.
I am not the only one that was excluded.



How funny, Meghan! Yesterday, someone who's been a very clsoe friend for years was telling me that she had "so much to do... straighten up the house for Super Bowl..." We had always been invited before to her gatherings, so I said, "oh, how nice, what are you doing for Super Bowl?" And she answered "we invited... people... that like football... to watch the game". This was as she was picking up her son from playing all day (and I mean, all day, from 11 am to 8:30 pm) with my daughter. It was funny to hear her stammer out her words. i guess she realized it was kind of rude. Anyways, ever since she moved to the "other side" of the neighborhood (she used to live, like us, in the Duplex side, but moved to the single homes side), she has made remarks that sound like she does believe she's better than us.
I guess I just think how lucky I am to find out NOW that we're not as close as I used to think, and not at a time when I REALLY needed her!
Hope you feel better, Meghan!


I would be hurt too, IMO.. you have every right to be hurt. Sorry that there is 3 of you that did not get invited!

Jennifer Lavender

I've just learned not to let things like that bug me.

In the last 2.5 years since just before Constance was born I've known about probably a dozen baby showers thrown by people I go to church with. I was invited to one for someone who was due 2 weeks after me and nobody even asked if I would like a shower. Some of these showers were for people having their 3rd and 4th children who specifically said they didn't even want a shower. Now, I know of at least 2 more people that are pregnant and I would be willing to bet money that both of them get showers and I don't actually get invited to either.

duh, it's me :)

Ok I will say stinkin rude :) the LEAST she could have done was call you and say, hey, I am doing this thing, blahblah, we will get together soon. At least that way you could still go and celebrate the baby's bday, which is what it is supposed to be about.

But to actually only invite some of your group or friends, is truly inviting trouble - especially since there are only 6 or 7 of you. And also with your sons being so close in age.

She sucks, you are a good friend and she will miss that.

Tara O'Rourke

I would be hurt as well. and there's really no way to change that or to fix it. Unfortunately.


Oh Meghan that sucks.. so sorry babe. I know with Indi's first birthday we wanted to keep is small but it did not happen that way.. we had so many people over it was nuts. It is hard to understand how some people think. I have learnt now not let people get to me, if they are going to treat me that way then they are not worth the heartache, tears and stress over them..

We love ya babe.. and you get bet your bum if I was closer Cheeks would be at Indi's even if they are 3 years apart in age LOL!!

Felicia McB

my feelings would be hurt as well. So sorry you got left out of it, along with a few other friends. I wonder why she would have done something like that.
Big hugs!


I'm tempted to call your friend a nasty name, but I hate to tell you that this kind of stuff will happen as your child gets older. And if you're smart, you won't let it get to you too much. People have their reasons for doing what they do, some of them valid. I know a very wise mom of 5 who completely lets this stuff roll off her.

That being said, I think the situation is a little different with close playgroups and when the parents are friends, as opposed to kids in a class or school. If it was me, I'd make sure and get that kid a lovely birthday present and stick in the mom's face with all the sugar and honey and sweetness that I could muster. The only way to deal with some people is to act better.

The Untamed Scrapper

I do know just how you feel. I know how expensive parties get, but for heaven's sake these are 1 year olds. No party favors necessary, it's cake and ice cream and a bunch of grown ups with their kids. The kids spend time playing with toys and not so much each other ant the grown ups hang out and talk about their adorables. It was rude. Like Paula said, good to know now that you're not as close as you thought instead of when you really needed her for something big.



Hmmm, how to I put this?

What bothers me isn't that she was limiting her guests because over the years with a 13 year old and a 10 year old, I've experienced this myself.

What bothers me is that if you have a small group of people you don't invite some and not others. Now, that being said, I have a group of 8 of us that hang out all the time. Some of our girls are really good friends and some have drifted apart. Some of us believe that because the moms hang out, the kids should. I'm not of that belief, however, if my daughter has had a party and only one girl was not on her invite list, that girl was included with an explanation to my dd that she can't leave her out because of the 8, she'd feel super bad. Now, if it were half and half, that would be different....BUT, these are 10 year olds we're talking about ... not babies.

So clearly, SHE chose who would be attending and SHE picked and chose and well, that just sucks! Especially because she had to know that you'd figure it all out.

NOW, all that being said, Please please listen to me and that very intelligent mother of 5, please don't let it bother you. It will happen time and time again and you'll fester and be bummed and pissed and all for what? Whoever doesn't include you won't care; you're the only one that it will grate on and you'll be the only one suffering.

Let it roll off your back. Smile and be nice and maybe someday, a few weeks from now, in casual conversation you can say, I just want you to know that my feelings were hurt and I'd really like an explanation. BUT, you must be prepared for what she may say and it could end a friendship. If you are ready for that, then go ahead, otherwise, just let it be.

Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry! Just had a lot to say!


Kim - ScrapToMyLu

I'm sorry M.....I don't think there would be anything wrong with asking her in a non defensive way. "This is really difficult and uncomfortable, but I have to admit that I'm hurt about the birthday party. Is there something I have done to offend or hurt you?"


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